A life companion not a life support.

I don't need someone to sweep me off my feet... or who would do exactly as I say... or who'd order me around..! I don't NEED anyone! But I want someone..someone to make this life more meaningful more enjoyable. Not someone who would buy me gifts or diamonds or platinum... Not someone who would pamper me or whom I get to pamper. I wanna be somebody by myself and i want him to be somebody by himself. I don't want a cry baby, I don't want a superman. Not someone's who's bored with life. I don't want him to need me..I want him to want me. I want us to want each other in our life..willingly, lovingly, not because we couldn't find better..not because we can't wait..not because we can't bear the thought of a lonely future..not just because we understand each other..and not because we know each other.. coz you can never completely know a person.. even I don't know myself completely.. I change and so does the other person.. I want to spend my life knowing the other person, I want that someone to realize that I am so much more than what he sees right now.. and I'll be so much more than what he finds out in 5 years.. It has to be. 

A place where freedom exists..his and mine.. a place where our nothingness' become one... a place where beyond all stipulations and expectations there is love. In that place I want, a companion for life.

The Secret

I used to believe that if you really really want something, you gotta ask for it. Ask from the Universe and it'll get it to you. Imagine yourself with it and you'll have it soon enough...be it love, money, health, anything...the secret the world has been talking about for a few years now. I still believe its true, but you know, there's something they don't tell you about that secret. It's kind of a secret of 'The Secret' that I've come to realize now. You keep wishing for the one thing you really want...you keep hoping against hope that somehow things work out...and then, something special, something magical happens. There it is, the answer to all your prayers is right in front of you, given to you by the Universe because you asked for it. Then, you are happier than happy, you have the one thing you needed to make your life perfect. You don't realize what you prayed for is gonna have a nature of it's own. And as you live through your life, you keep learning new things about the world, about you, about your surroundings...and things change. Believe me, not overnight...but they change gradually and it is so slow that life tricks you into thinking that nothing has changed, that you are still the old you. But oh dear! you are not; you are not what you were yesterday or even a minute ago.You are a new person, not necessarily a better person, but yes, a new person. And this new you doesn't really want the same things that the old you wanted...sometimes you do want it, but just not the way it is. You lose that happiness, that perfect life you thought you had...you ruin it for yourself. You think that you got what you wanted but in the end, fate takes its toll and all that you got is taken away from you. You see, all that matters IS the end. In the end, its not you who won, its the Universe that did. Therefore, I have come to believe that, what has to happen, will happen. If I am supposed to have something in life I will have it and if I am not supposed to, no matter how well I wish for it..even though for a brief moment I'll be blessed, things will take a big wild turn and all the wishes I thought had come true would no more make me feel blessed... You know why, coz I was not supposed to have it in the first place. At first, I thought it was all about wishing for the right thing in the right way.. you know, you gotta know exactly what you want. Na..ah, its not that, you wish for exactly what you want, exactly what you think is right for you, but you only end up with what has been written for you. Everyone has their fate written for them, it just all unravels as you make the little choices in life. It just doesn't make any sense anymore to put so much time and effort into wishing and imagining and hoping and wanting. Wouldn't you rather live your life the way it is, not bothering about what you wish you had or what you wish to happen, but embracing all that you have right NOW...because that's what you have been given. If you think you deserve more..you will get it..but STOP wishing for it and wasting your time, just make the right choices. It is terrible to have your prayers answered and then after a while conveniently watch your wishes walk away from you. Why worry then..? If you think about it, we spend more than half of our day wondering about how it would be if we had this or hoping for something to happen. Isn't it less pressure on you just to be. Be here; today is what you got, make the best of it. There is so much..just so much you can do in that time you have been squandering away into nothingness. Choose to live a life based on the choices you make whether they turn out to be good or bad for you...all you need to know about making choices is that you don't wanna regret not making the right one at the right time.

Invisibility Cloak

Life hurts...
Eating more than 8 Tylenols can damage your liver... how do I know this... well, desperate times call for desperate measures... NO i didn't take them.. but I thought of it.. but then even having thought of it makes me teary... how could I possibly know what a damaged liver means and still go through with it..? 

Burns can scar you for a long long time.. probably a lifetime.. I would know that better than anyone, with the still alive mark of boiling water spill on my leg as a kid. And then again, a hot iron on my arm...well lets just say experience tells me it stings and stays as a reminder of a defeat to your own mind; and i don't wanna swell up in tears each time I look at it...!

I wish I had a bed with legs...so I could atleast hide under my bed...but fate bestows me with no such thing. I have nothing to say for myself.. just that i feel like I am depressed and not even family and friends can give me hope. I have nothing to say to anyone. It's no fun to not like yourself and to top that, pizza addiction is doing me no good...and the worst part is I don't even like pizza anymore...its just what it is - an addiction:

The term addiction is used to describe a recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in some specific activity, despite harmful consequences, as deemed by the user themselves to their individual health, mental state, or social life.

Why don't I like myself...? don't know, but first one must know that my life is amazing... I am living a dream...doing what I always wanted to do.. I am loved by my parents and the love of my life... All that is perfect... but Am I? yeah yeah.. i know... a person doesn't have to be perfect.. I don't wanna be either. I just want to love myself, just the way I always did. Like one never has to have a reason to love someone, i can't seem to find the reason why I stopped loving myself. I just don't.

Answers can be found only when you know the right Questions. So how can that powerful being so lovingly called God by us be the answer to my unsought quest? And I've found out that when everything in life is going your way.. you need to find a way to mess things over...Why? Well, coz a perfect life seems just a myth. Hence, seeking refuge from myself and my self-proclaimed depression, I anticipate that only a dire wish-fulfillment of an Invisibility Cloak can save the day!

Two Years Ago...

Ye dil thoda anjaan hai..ajab kahaniyo se pareshan hai...
Najane kyu fir ek umeed hai..palko pe chhayo jaisa geet hai

I saw a face...a glowing face..smile in her eyes...she seemed to be hiding something from the other ladies... but not her friend...her only friend who knew her secret. She seemed happy from within...I felt happy from within. Those ladies around me kept chattering and I .. I was loving my li'l secret. I was pregnant. I know its weird. But how wonderful a feeling..have you ever thought! I have always felt like I was born to be a mother...many people dont think my way... but this is the way I feel. my hand went to my tummy and i could..i could feel my child.... the very own part of me.

31.03.2011

i dreamt this today morning... and when i woke up... i didnt want to... i wanted to live through those moments... those 9 months... its weird i know.. i m too young for all that i know.. and people my age would rather get scared of such a dream... but I... I couldn't help but smile. Its a strangely wonderful and probably the most beautiful feeling.

Sleep

"Sleep, I need sleep"...it essentially dials down the importance to think, and that my dear is a very pleasant feeling. To not think takes you to a completely different state of mind..you can feel its there..and yet an absence of its need, an absence of any emotion, be it happiness, be it the opposite.  Each night I go to sleep to find out that my each day gets even better!

My taste buds get better... the sweet pineapple and the li'l sour orange.. every bit seems to come to life to complete the overall taste of a fruit chat or maybe a tea..the essence of Adrak , ilaichi and tea...

My emotions get stronger; my smile gets brighter, my tears..thicker, my anger..tougher, my love...kinder, every bit of my soul seems to come to life to complete the fascinating flow of emotions...

As night approaches, "the absence" engulfs me in its arms and I'm swept over by this beautiful feeling, this wonderful aura of Sleep! :) 

 

I believe...

There's only one thing that I've ever truly believed in... that one thing is Love.

I've always believed that someone somewhere is made for me,

Like the made for each other types... Like the jodi made in heaven,

I know it all sounds too childish or maybe too girlish...

And thinking such a thing in my case..I don't know.. people might just laugh...

But I've known love, and I know what I experienced was not the most powerful kind of it... 

And I want to know.. I want to love and be loved.. I want that kinda Hug..the hug that makes you feel..oh damn! this is what you had wanted all along.. I want to feel that tight embrace... It only hurts to not have felt it yet...

The hand on your head that makes you feel calm, the kiss on the forehead... Can't these be perfect.. the right way, the right person, the right moment, the right gesture.. I am left imagining...Only if Love gives me a chance...I can't imagine the rest of my life like this..Alone...yes, i feel alone without that part...Maybe its unfair... unfair to all of those who are with me...trying to make me feel NOT alone..but may it be unfair... Because, I do feel alone, and I can do nothing about it... Because I know..I know that I am incomplete without the one... the one that I am made for in this world.. I know, I know I have broken hearts... But that wasn't right, right? .. How could I possibly have lived a lie...convincing myself that I love someone I don't.. I had to move forward..I can't go back now.. I know everything can be alright if I do... But just because I feel alone?... This won't be right.

I believe and I strongly do, that I will find him, the one for whom my heart so dearly longs. 

Rebirth

I believe...

I haven't seen him since...

I haven't trudged the path to his eyes yet....

But I have been there in my dreams...

I haven't held his hands tenaciously into mine yet....

But in my dreams I have felt his hand firmly holding mine

I haven't spoken my love tales softly into his ears yet....

I haven't even touched him or embraced him warmly ever....

And yet, I know...

I know because I believe...

I believe in his soul and mine...

And I believe we are soul-mates....

I can feel the aura and nothing has ever felt so perfect...

We have been made for each other ever since life began....