Filled with anxiety!

In life, there are sad moments, happy moments, and one special type of moments that are filled with anxiety curiosity eagerness... this is the kind of feeling that I'm having right now. good and bad.

Well, hoping for the best I'm taking this step. Not doing something like this first time in life, but I first time have a very solid reason..and so I'm truly on my toes (not literally ;)) The clouds are moving fast in the sky...shifting positions, changing views...alive! It's not the still air down here that's disturbing, but the turbulence inside me. For a moment I feel, this is not happening, and for another, I am actually going to do this..wow! Excitement fills my heart and fear still reserves it's corner, but hope envelopes it all...! Love is actually where YOU ARE...how can I not go there! ;)

I Miss You (part II)

I had been sleeping i think, for almost a week since after that day. And then i woke up. It was again the thunder, the heavy shower...but this time, I wasn't crying... I had read somewhere.."Love is everything it's cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for." and from where I don't know, it flashed into my mind along with the lightning. I ran, ran fast..away from the darkness I had been dying in every day. I cannot love him..even tho' he did. I don't blame him for anything.. But I had to make things straight...The ring- I left it at the side-table. I ran as fast as I could into the rainy night and there was I, standing at the door-step of the house. tak-tak : no replies. tringggg: no replies. I called the land-line. Could I have been more gutsy! Well, the lady of the house picked up. In a few moments time I was facing the family. The family, I dream of being a part...and again the face.. from the back...slowly approaching me. "What...what happened?" He thought I was out of my mind. I guess..I was. But I don't know, maybe it was love controlling my mind at that time, that I was so calm and controlled and adamant to tell him, to tell him that my love was his. Even though he had said I'd have to wait and so it makes no sense. I knew at this point of time that I COULD WAIT. I realized I was feeling alive after such a long time. I looked at him and smiled...and said "can I not join in for dinner?" He gave the wierdest expression! And Aunty smiled and took me in..I gave some excuses for the sudden appearance and we all had dinner together, like a happy family. It felt like a new life. He kept giving me those questioning looks and I closed my eyes, nodded and smiled. After the delicious food, I excused from everyone wanting to speak to him.

And then we were alone. I didn't say a thing -

I looked him in the eye, held his hand, bent down on my knees and then held my head down in front of him for two minutes.

Then I left the house bidding happy farewells to all and promising to see them all soon again. They didn't know what I was there for. But I was glad, I had spoken my heart, i am his forever now, never felt so satisfied, so complete, so alive. I miss him, yes I miss him. But I know I can wait. :) I wouldn't rather do anything else.

I Miss You

Sitting on my knees in the middle of the foot-path... and it's raining, raining heavily -- pittr pattr... I look up. My tears lost in the drops of rain... my cries lost in the sounds of the downfall.... People are passing by, some laughing, some in their own world, some trying to help.... But I drive them away..something about me does. All-alone, I sit there for hours. He comes out of nowhere, " are you crazy?" and covers me with his half wet coat and takes me under the shed.. " what has happened to you? you know that I love you right? don't cry, please don't. I am here for you, always. I promise." I look at him, he kisses away the tear trickling down my cheek...He loves me a lot...knows me the most. Why then does it feel so uncertain to tell him that I love him? Its' a face, a face that keeps coming in front of my eyes...it doesn't let me sleep. Wherever I go, it comes with me... when I am having fun, watching a movie, when I score bad or miss home, when I am eating or drinking water, when I am studying or wasting time on the net. It doesn't leave me alone. It wants me to want it..so badly I've never wanted anything in life. There's a thunder, and then, I see him, on his knees, a ring in his hand, " will you marry me? " I look all around and there are people staring at us, waiting for my reply so they get a chance to celebrate...and again, its the face, approaching from somewhere at the back of the crowd...it reaches me, looks me in the eye and then smiles and gives a slight nod - asking me to say 'yes' ... It takes my left hand forward - for him to put the ring in the finger connecting to my heart. I am confused, why is it doing this? The face looks at me, smiles and closes it's eyes and vanishes into the thin air... A roar of celebration is all I could see and hear after that.

Now when I am alone, that face doesn't even visit me. It has left me...pining for it's company.

My worst dream and My best brother

I remember that night as if it were yesterday's, I was to catch a flight to my parents' the next day. Hence, I slept on time, though I was so full of excitement, that I was actually going to see my parents after an year!!! That was really something for me... I totally love my family! As I was happily sleeping...in the middle of the night... There was a car passing by, right in front of my eyes and behind that a truck standing and I saw something...something I couldn't believe was possible...my heart was shaking, so terrible I had never felt before... And suddenly I opened my eyes,...I was still in bed and I had been moving so much that I had messed up the sheets, but I couldn't care less. What had touched my heart at that moment was so horrifying to the core that I couldn't possibly even look anywhere else but into the night, I felt lost. I was feeling like I had lost everything that belonged to me... And then a stream of tears started flooding over...I was feeling unconscious, my heart beating so slowly... I wanted to breath, but it was like, stuck! I cried n cried ... n finally found my breath.. but I couldn't come out of what I had seen...It had shaken my insides...I was not able to come to terms with the fact that it was just a dream... I stood up, drank some water... my hand was shaking, I couldn't stop crying... how could I see such a thing even in dreams and that too my own?? I called him up...he was away for school..but I had to talk to him. It was 2 in the morning when I saw the clock...so maybe he was about to return according to the timings there.. I had to hear his voice, to know that he is fine... I couldn't stop crying and my sister couldn't understand why, and I... I couldn't explain.. I couldn't say those words- what I saw could not be spoken. But I was restless..I had to speak to him... had to.. how could I? dream tht..?

Finally when I did hear his voice cheerful as always...I couldn't stop my loud cry of - you may say- satisfaction. I told him a hundred times how much I loved him... that I can't live without him...I promised him gifts.. I promised him every happiness.. I promised him that I wouldn't scold him ever...

I..I truly love you my brother... very much. And though I've still been scolding you ;) believe me... I love you so very much... You're like my 'bacha', really. You mean my life to me.

I remember praying to God, to have a brother to play with, to love, to care for... And look, I found a brother who cares for me more so! Someone who cheers me up when I am sad... Who loves me more than I had thought anyone could love anybody... Who is sweet and keeps the family so close together... Without whom the family would have been truly "incomplete"!