Life's simple joys...

When suddenly one day, your father decides to prepare the dinner..n that too an awesome one! ;)

A day, when you wake up early in the morning by mistake to find out your parents talking and laughing over a cup of tea... when you feel like seeing them like that for the next one hour from behind the curtain..but they've already seen you and are so happy to have you join them...!

When your parents share their feelings with you...tell you their own life's tensions...when they make you feel that you've grown up and that now you can be friends...!

When you share a silent smile with one parent when the other is scolding...!

A day when your father looks at you and decides that you need to buy new clothes and actually goes out with you to shop for you the most IN clothes!

When what you say actually matters!...it actually affects a decision..what you think is important to your family....when they want your point of view...!

These and many others are life's simple pleasures that not everyone is lucky to have.. and those who are, don't know how precious the gift is...

You've changed...

Some relations are left incomplete,

and so, is maybe mine with you.

Such closeness is never so concrete,

But I doubt that when it's me and you.

You've taken me so far away,

So far away from myself.

There's darkness in and around the way,

Now show me the way thyself.

Why, why did this happen to me?

I ask the silence around.

But you, you've cared so much for me,

Why don't I see you around?

Will guilt never let us live together?

Or will love play its part in time.

Certain things never last forever,

In LOVE's case, it is a crime.

I know we may never be one some day,

But my love for you is truly unfeigned.

Though the purity seems like losing away,

Still mine your heart is, but you've changed! 

10/15/09

Filled with anxiety!

In life, there are sad moments, happy moments, and one special type of moments that are filled with anxiety curiosity eagerness... this is the kind of feeling that I'm having right now. good and bad.

Well, hoping for the best I'm taking this step. Not doing something like this first time in life, but I first time have a very solid reason..and so I'm truly on my toes (not literally ;)) The clouds are moving fast in the sky...shifting positions, changing views...alive! It's not the still air down here that's disturbing, but the turbulence inside me. For a moment I feel, this is not happening, and for another, I am actually going to do this..wow! Excitement fills my heart and fear still reserves it's corner, but hope envelopes it all...! Love is actually where YOU ARE...how can I not go there! ;)

I Miss You (part II)

I had been sleeping i think, for almost a week since after that day. And then i woke up. It was again the thunder, the heavy shower...but this time, I wasn't crying... I had read somewhere.."Love is everything it's cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for." and from where I don't know, it flashed into my mind along with the lightning. I ran, ran fast..away from the darkness I had been dying in every day. I cannot love him..even tho' he did. I don't blame him for anything.. But I had to make things straight...The ring- I left it at the side-table. I ran as fast as I could into the rainy night and there was I, standing at the door-step of the house. tak-tak : no replies. tringggg: no replies. I called the land-line. Could I have been more gutsy! Well, the lady of the house picked up. In a few moments time I was facing the family. The family, I dream of being a part...and again the face.. from the back...slowly approaching me. "What...what happened?" He thought I was out of my mind. I guess..I was. But I don't know, maybe it was love controlling my mind at that time, that I was so calm and controlled and adamant to tell him, to tell him that my love was his. Even though he had said I'd have to wait and so it makes no sense. I knew at this point of time that I COULD WAIT. I realized I was feeling alive after such a long time. I looked at him and smiled...and said "can I not join in for dinner?" He gave the wierdest expression! And Aunty smiled and took me in..I gave some excuses for the sudden appearance and we all had dinner together, like a happy family. It felt like a new life. He kept giving me those questioning looks and I closed my eyes, nodded and smiled. After the delicious food, I excused from everyone wanting to speak to him.

And then we were alone. I didn't say a thing -

I looked him in the eye, held his hand, bent down on my knees and then held my head down in front of him for two minutes.

Then I left the house bidding happy farewells to all and promising to see them all soon again. They didn't know what I was there for. But I was glad, I had spoken my heart, i am his forever now, never felt so satisfied, so complete, so alive. I miss him, yes I miss him. But I know I can wait. :) I wouldn't rather do anything else.

I Miss You

Sitting on my knees in the middle of the foot-path... and it's raining, raining heavily -- pittr pattr... I look up. My tears lost in the drops of rain... my cries lost in the sounds of the downfall.... People are passing by, some laughing, some in their own world, some trying to help.... But I drive them away..something about me does. All-alone, I sit there for hours. He comes out of nowhere, " are you crazy?" and covers me with his half wet coat and takes me under the shed.. " what has happened to you? you know that I love you right? don't cry, please don't. I am here for you, always. I promise." I look at him, he kisses away the tear trickling down my cheek...He loves me a lot...knows me the most. Why then does it feel so uncertain to tell him that I love him? Its' a face, a face that keeps coming in front of my eyes...it doesn't let me sleep. Wherever I go, it comes with me... when I am having fun, watching a movie, when I score bad or miss home, when I am eating or drinking water, when I am studying or wasting time on the net. It doesn't leave me alone. It wants me to want it..so badly I've never wanted anything in life. There's a thunder, and then, I see him, on his knees, a ring in his hand, " will you marry me? " I look all around and there are people staring at us, waiting for my reply so they get a chance to celebrate...and again, its the face, approaching from somewhere at the back of the crowd...it reaches me, looks me in the eye and then smiles and gives a slight nod - asking me to say 'yes' ... It takes my left hand forward - for him to put the ring in the finger connecting to my heart. I am confused, why is it doing this? The face looks at me, smiles and closes it's eyes and vanishes into the thin air... A roar of celebration is all I could see and hear after that.

Now when I am alone, that face doesn't even visit me. It has left me...pining for it's company.

My worst dream and My best brother

I remember that night as if it were yesterday's, I was to catch a flight to my parents' the next day. Hence, I slept on time, though I was so full of excitement, that I was actually going to see my parents after an year!!! That was really something for me... I totally love my family! As I was happily sleeping...in the middle of the night... There was a car passing by, right in front of my eyes and behind that a truck standing and I saw something...something I couldn't believe was possible...my heart was shaking, so terrible I had never felt before... And suddenly I opened my eyes,...I was still in bed and I had been moving so much that I had messed up the sheets, but I couldn't care less. What had touched my heart at that moment was so horrifying to the core that I couldn't possibly even look anywhere else but into the night, I felt lost. I was feeling like I had lost everything that belonged to me... And then a stream of tears started flooding over...I was feeling unconscious, my heart beating so slowly... I wanted to breath, but it was like, stuck! I cried n cried ... n finally found my breath.. but I couldn't come out of what I had seen...It had shaken my insides...I was not able to come to terms with the fact that it was just a dream... I stood up, drank some water... my hand was shaking, I couldn't stop crying... how could I see such a thing even in dreams and that too my own?? I called him up...he was away for school..but I had to talk to him. It was 2 in the morning when I saw the clock...so maybe he was about to return according to the timings there.. I had to hear his voice, to know that he is fine... I couldn't stop crying and my sister couldn't understand why, and I... I couldn't explain.. I couldn't say those words- what I saw could not be spoken. But I was restless..I had to speak to him... had to.. how could I? dream tht..?

Finally when I did hear his voice cheerful as always...I couldn't stop my loud cry of - you may say- satisfaction. I told him a hundred times how much I loved him... that I can't live without him...I promised him gifts.. I promised him every happiness.. I promised him that I wouldn't scold him ever...

I..I truly love you my brother... very much. And though I've still been scolding you ;) believe me... I love you so very much... You're like my 'bacha', really. You mean my life to me.

I remember praying to God, to have a brother to play with, to love, to care for... And look, I found a brother who cares for me more so! Someone who cheers me up when I am sad... Who loves me more than I had thought anyone could love anybody... Who is sweet and keeps the family so close together... Without whom the family would have been truly "incomplete"!

Pouring out random thoughts...

Whenever I look at the moon... there are many thoughts that rush to my mind...I can't speak about all of them, however.. One day, I remember feeling this :

I wish to be like the moon, all alone, yet, so elegant, so loved by all, so much praised by people all over the world...the companion of all loners... and yet nobody can touch it..feel it. (excluding the science involved) I wish to be like the moon, to be so far away from everyone, such that no one can come near me..m not being a misanthrope..but really, I wish no one could touch my heart. I wish to be so far away and yet among everyone. Talked about, talked with, but still not touched. No, i am not a sadist either, but I have a heart, and I can't help that. All I want is to prevent it from being hurt or hurting others. I am trying, I have been taking steps... no, not to be alone but to make things better...to secure this unsafe heart..however it feels so exposed, exposed to those I love...

Truly, the moon is unique. There can be no one and nothing like it.. Its beautiful, inimitable charm will continue to surprise many.

We all wish to be a better person, or better at something, but God has made us perfect,... all you need to do is, look at yourself from the eyes of the person who loves you. You'll feel like, like you are the best... and you don't need to be any better.

... His eyes, make me feel how beautiful I am; his smile, makes me feel how charming I am; his presence, makes me feel how important I am...I..I, miss him......his firm grip of hands, his silent smiles, his love-filled eyes with that pinch of mischief...

Feeling Lovelorn..

I remember the days..as if it were today...
Walking side by side for long long hours...talking about nothing and everything...watching the stars, the moon, figuring out the different shapes the clouds made, and sometimes, simply just looking at each other...carrying in our hearts' immense love. "Friends", we always were and will always be, but to that friendship a little something was added and things turned out strangely beautiful. How wonderfully love encapsulates our hearts. We are lucky to find someone who loves us and more so lucky to fall in love with that person...its not just care, its that something that you cannot define, that you can only feel so completely...in your heart.. through your tears.. through your smiles... through his eyes,... When you feel so weak at knees without him and so elated by only knowing that he loves you so much...even though he ain't around.. When you are feeling so shy but you don't wish to look away to avoid spoiling the moment... When he keeps his hand on your head and you feel nothing in the world could disturb your happiness... When you are everything to him and he means everything to you... When you dream cupids...When you spend every moment with him as if its your last together...When his success is your happiness and his failure seems like your own.. when tears roll down your eyes if he is hurt...and happiness knows no bounds if he is elated. When your heart knows he loves you and only you completely although he keeps talking about other girls whom you show you are jealous of... When your day seems incomplete without seeing him or at least a call or a message. When you start calling him cute stupid names which you along with him used to make fun of earlier... When by mistake while talking to somebody else you call them by his name...bcoz you were actually thinking about him...

Love - is a very beautiful feeling. And this is probably the only something a person may like to "fall in"...coz there's no other way you'd know what it is. I know, I know now.

The Light suddenly goes out; with the back of my finger I clear the tears trickling down my eyes..look up and around, total darkness-total silence, seemed like the state of my mind. I got up from my chair making creepy noises and opened the door of my room...Since the day we've shifted in this new hostel, life as well as darkness have intimidated me.

Moving out looking for some light, I approach the balcony..there's nobody in or around. But there's the soft cool breeze that makes me smile, the beautiful stars that shine above high, the moon that speaks to me often. He usually has someone's message for me. Someone far away on the land of marble rocks, at the heart of India...someone who barely speaks to me but not so seldom to the moon. I am given the message by his divine luminescence and my heart starts pumping blood faster...lab-dab lab-dab...i can hear it. I feel the need to hold on to something, the railing's wet, but anyhow; that has been afterall my only support the past few weeks. I close my eyes, listening to myself, wondering how bad can it get, how much can it hurt, how deep are these feelings, but something at the back of my neck disturbs my plumbing into thoughts. I turn around and its the cool breeze sending chills down my spine.

Tears again flood my eyes...is he really going so far away from me? Am I really going to lose him? I fall on my knees...I cannot break down, I cannot lose hope so easily. When I listened to my heart for the first time and did the right thing of facing the truth that I cannot love anybody else but him - I didn't break down then, then why today. I have to face him with fortitude...i have to try all I can. Standing up I see him in front of me - no this can't be true..you can't be here. He smiles and says - Ofcourse I am, don't you see me? I cover my eyes with both my hands...and after a while when I peak through my fingers, I still see him there, looking at me with those love-filled eyes. I see them saying so many things asking so many questions making so many promises and our eyes start conversing..I feel so happy to have him with me..so calm, may nothing disturb this moment; but suddenly, all the tubelights start clinking, i look inside and when I look back, he's gone, and though there was light in me for those few minutes, he took it away and left darkness inside me, again.

आज ऐसा क्यों हो रहा है ....

आज पहली बार इतने दिनों बाद आँखों में आंसू आ रहे हैं ।
आज याद आ रहा है उनका खिलखिला के हसना,
आज ध्यान आ रहा है उनका प्यार भरी नज़रों से देखना।
आज याद आ रहा है उनका रोना जब दुःख इस दिल में हो ...
आज नजाने क्यों जिया नही जा रहा है उनके बिन,
आज नजाने फ़िर उनकी याद में दिल घबरा रहा है...
आज उनको पाने की इच्छा से आँखे नम्म हो रही हैं।
आज उनका हाथ अपने सर पे होने का एहसास चाह रहा है दिल।
आज हमे उनमे अपने जीने की वजा नज़र आ रही है।
आज उनके बिन जीवन एक इंतजार लगता है।
आज, आज हमे बहुत डर लग रहा है।
आज नज़रें उन्हें हर जगह ढूंड रही है।
आज पल पल कह के निकल रहा है,
आज नही तो कल,उन्हें हमारी ज़िन्दगी में आना है ।

Mother

A mother is an angel... she maybe your real mother, your step mother, your grandmother, or even your mother-in-law...; in whichever form you have her.. U can undoubtedly say: she is beautiful..in and out both. And here I would like to dedicate my poem to all those wonderful mothers out there...

Ma - I love to call you that..
when you are around, i am never sad,

When your hands caress my hair,
all worries vanish into thin air;

You make everything seem so explicable*,
The love you show seems inimitable;

Without the plethora of your objurgation*,
I wouldn't have gained so much approbation*;

Your world always seems to whirl around me..
When you are not smiling I know I am the key,

Ma, I have hurt you a lot,
But your love for me, has a tight knot;

I am so lucky to have an angel in my life,
It is with you my dear mother, that I thrive.

* explicable: possible to explain
objurgation: scolding
approbation: an expression of warm approval or praise

how I approached "Love"...

I see the undulating* grace of the cat crossing the road, the celerity* of the cars passing by, the breeze wafting through the trees making them appear as though they are conversing..and strangely about me, wondering..who this girl is..standing so lost and yet so cognizant*...I see eyes, eyes approaching me, a smile so sincere reflecting in them, averting my thoughts from the ardent love I was feeling, I smiled back at them... This was the moment, the moment I had been waiting for such a long time and yet I felt tongue-tied..

We expatiated* among those trees and talked about a sundry other things with bonhomie*...I was scared he wouldn't even try to fathom* my feelings, being biased by his principles..We had loved each other and had done blunders.. the thought of questioning his heart again was highly discomfiting.. The sun was setting into the horizon and the beautiful colors of the sky brightened his face in a charming way... I wanted to forestall my feelings, but what was in front of my eyes, was so personable* and so beautiful at heart that there was no stopping.. Now I was facing him, I looked into his eyes with all the love in my heart, this held him for a moment... Without giving him a chance to digress*, I held his hand between both of mine and shushed him... and my heart spoke -

" Without you by my side I may learn how to laugh, but not be happy; I may not pine* away in grief but today if I don't ask you, I am sure to wake up one morning wondering how beautiful life could have been together; I still may live a life worth living, but if I don't speak out my heart now, I will never in life be able to do so; I may not be able to wait for you all my life, but I've been waiting and still I am, for your heart to speak the truth... for I love you with a selfless heart... My reasonless love awaits your reply."

* undulating: to move in waves
celerity: speed and swiftness
cognizant: fully informed, conscious
expatiate: to wander freely
bonhomie: exuberant friendliness
fathom: understand or find the reason for
personable: handsome and attractive
digress: to stray from the point
pine: ~intense longing or grief

how "Love" approached me..

Living life with a modicum* of luck,
I'm not tyro* when it comes to love.

Resplendent* in that green shirt,
He stood there undisturbed.

It was all so surreptitious*,
Tho' being close together was fortuitous*.

Hand in hand,quixotic* in minds,
we spent hours days and nights.

He coveted* love voraciously,
His voice approached mellifluously*.

His ebullience* was so contagious,
I became him and we became us.

Love became so ineluctable*,
and life, so inscrutable*!

* modicum: a small amount
tyro: inexperienced, novice
resplendent: brilliant, shining
surreptitious: done secretly
fortuitous: happening by chance or luck
quixotic: impractical and unrealistically optimistic and romantic
covet: to want something badly
mellifluous: sweetly flowing
ebullience: enthusiasm
ineluctable: that cannot be avoided, inevitable
inscrutable: difficult to understand